Loblaws Stores to Begin Pre-Arresting All Customers As They Leave

Superstore, No Frills and Freshmart locations to begin new "Pre-Arrest" policy this March in an effort to combat increased theft.

Loblaw Companies Ltd. announced today that they are taking a vast leap forward in strategies to prevent theft in their stores. Starting this March, each and every customer who exits the store will be gently slammed to the floor and restrained by on-duty police officers. This is a bold move from the grocery giant who says that 'retail theft is at an all time high as Canadians struggle with the cost of inflation despite their low-low prices'.

Upon their arrest, each customer will be efficiently packed into an awaiting police van, taken to a holding cell and released within (ideally) 24 hours upon confirmation that they paid for everything in their possession. Those who have not paid for everything will be held until a court date is available.

"We're thrilled about this new loss prevention initiative" said Galen Weston in a press conference today, " We've tried other initiatives to curb thieves such as: locking gates at entries and exits, fake security pages every 5 minutes, installing plexi-glass cattle corrals and following customers around like the filthy peasants they are. However, now we can just lock them up right away, which is what I've always wanted to do."

"This feels like a major accomplishment as the logistics around this were immense. We had to build the police larger and sturdier Paddy Wagons as well as bring the local police onto Loblaws own payroll, though the municipalities were happy to offload the cost of their salaries. We had to bribe..i mean...'lobby' Federal and Provincial politicians into decreasing constituent rights. We're particularly proud that the single phone call they were guaranteed has been reduced to a single text. That should really speed up processing. We're also replacing all exit doors with spiked steel barricades and at the cost of steel these days that wasn't cheap."

When asked if they would be increasing the size of holding cells to match the influx of detained shoppers, Weston looked confused and simply stated "Would you make a crawl space bigger so the rats can be more comfortable?"

Public reaction to the new policy has been mixed.

"Well, I don't agree with this at all!" proclaims shopper Hilary Craft outside of a Superstore in Chilliwack, British Columbia. "Look, I've already gone along with the receipt checks, the undercover shoppers, the metal detectors and the random cavity searches. This may make me consider switching to another chain."

We asked 'That Uncle', you know, the uncle that every family has that no one talks to unless forced like at a funeral or wedding or something. We all have one. We asked yours specifically. "About damn time" That Uncle says " I'm sick of seeing all you lazy leeches just doing whatever you want. About time someone stops treating you with kiddie gloves. Why doesn't your ever father call me? Hello? Are you there? Tell him..." *click*

Finally, we're here at the Joe Howe Superstore in Halifax, NS, where the new policy is being piloted today. We're interviewing Skyler McPhee (who now goes by 'Loblaw Inmate 54366689') as she goes through the new process.

"What do you mean everyone gets arrested? Hey...who are you? Let go of me! What the Goddamn Shit? Get your hands off me! I paid for this. Look, I have a receipt!! You can't do th--- OOOOf. Let me up! Get off me! Get off me! I can't breathe.... I can't breathe... help..... help...... I can't........... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! No please... where are you taking me... please... my daughter... shes in the ca...." *Wack*

A smiling Galen Weston looks on and receives congratulatory pats on the back before turning and walking to his limo, which will drive him to his awaiting private jet. He deserves a long vacation after such a success and will be spending it on a tropical island that I've been told I'm "too poor to know the name of."